Zander on What Others Can Tell Us About Ourselves

Do you ever wonder how other people in your life perceive you? Do they see you as the kind and loving, smart and clever person you surely are (or at least hope you are)? Or do they see a whole different you? And is it possible that they even may know more about your true qualities than you do?

A new study at Washington University in St. Louis investigated that very question with 165 volunteers. It sought to find out who’s the better judge of our personality and behaviors — ourselves or the people we work and live with. The study concluded that while people are hip to their inner landscape (anxiety, fears and the like), other people often know more about our personality and behaviors than we do ourselves.

What Do You Think of Me?

If this idea makes you feel queasy, you’re not alone. Most people would rather eat bugs than ask others, “Hey, how would you describe me — honestly?” Are you kidding! That is one scary thought! But it is a question we would do well to consider asking people in our lives, says life coach and regular Daily Health Newscontributor Lauren Zander. “People who know and love you have whole categories of insights and opinions about you — and you may be completely unaware of how they perceive you,” she says.

The conversations that could result from asking for another’s opinions and observations could contribute mightily to the functioning of your relationship with that person… and more broadly, it could have a huge impact on your successes or failures in the world. For example, perhaps there is something you do that holds you back from connecting with the type of person you would really like to be with… or keeps you from receiving a promotion at work. Without getting feedback from those around you, you may never realize that how you thinkyou are in the world is not at all how others see and experience you.

Ahem, I have something to ask you…

So there is much to learn by having such an open conversation, but the sticky question remains — how to go about asking in the smoothest way possible? Zander suggests a good technique to ease your anxiety: Before you ask the question, make a list of what you expect to be told… and then push further and make another list, guessing at the worst things you could possibly hear. Don’t hold back — this is where you get a chance to be fully honest with yourself about your habit of interrupting or being flighty, cheap, cold, manipulative — anything you’ve already been accused of or know about yourself. Seeing it on paper gives you a chance to face your most dreadful fears about yourself privately so that you will not be blindsided in the real conversation. You’ve been there, done that… and now you actually feel quite safe.

Next decide who to ask.

Right off, let’s acknowledge that most people are mortified by the idea of asking others for their thoughts and observations about them… and furthermore, notes Zander, most people are mortified to be asked. People who love you might balk at the idea of saying what they don’t like about you because they don’t want to hurt your feelings, she says — plus, they may fear that you will get defensive and angry. So it’s important to consider what you want out of the conversation and what you are willing to learn about yourself. The obvious choice for who to ask is your spouse or partner, of course — a sibling, perhaps… your children, friends, colleagues, maybe. The more people you ask, the more you can and will learn.

Make sure each person knows that you want the information he/she has even if it is negative — a truthful report is the only way you can grow from the exercise. But you must promise all the people you ask that they will not get in trouble by being honest with you and that you will never, ever hold anything they say against them — in fact, you should provide reassurance that you will be grateful for their honesty. And be sure you stick to that, says Zander, or that person might never be truthful with you again.

HOW TO HAVE THE CONVERSATION

When it’s time to talk, you’ll get better, more useful information if you direct the conversation to some degree. Here are some of the topics Zander suggests you ask your “informants” to tell you about:

…what they have never told you that they wish you would change.

…which traits you display that make them uncomfortable and which they would like you to do something about.

…if there is anything you should apologize to them for.

…how you have hurt their feelings.

…if there is something that they wish you would do on a regular basis that you do not do.

A way to learn even more: Ask each person how he thinks othersperceive you, too, not just what’s between the two of you. A boss might ask a colleague whether he is seen as being patient and a good listener — he might think he is, but the colleague may have valuable insights that could improve performance, such as “you don’t welcome ideas other than your own.” A woman might hear from her husband that she frequently brushes the kids away when they crave her attention… or perhaps you might be surprised to hear from friends or your partner that you have a tendency to be rude to service personnel, such as store clerks and the waitstaff in restaurants. Ask people anything you want to know about yourself, and even let them bring up topics that they want to discuss, urges Zander. “Nothing should be off limits.”

Once you have wrapped up a conversation, thank the person you interviewed for sharing and let him/her know how much you appreciate hearing the truth about his thoughts and feelings. You have a choice as to whether to make any changes to your behavior based on the information and opinions you receive in your conversations. But at the very least, you might want to keep what you heard in mind as you negotiate tricky spots in relationships or other life challenges — and consider whether altering how you’re perceived might help life go more smoothly for you.

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