Half of your retirement savings disappeared virtually overnight… your employer went out of business… a routine physical turned up a serious health problem. Adjusting to change is particularly difficult when change is both unwanted and unexpected. Sudden, life-altering events can create a paralyzing sense of lost control and dashed dreams.
Important strategies for surviving unexpected change…
- Engage in at least one activity every day that you can completely control. It’s normal to feel like a helpless victim when an unwanted change turns your life upside down. But you can start to shed these feelings of powerlessness by taking up a hobby or pursuing a goal that involves no one’s effort or assent but your own.
Example: A woman whose husband left her dedicated herself to running a marathon.
- Fake the confidence and skills you need to rebound until you have them. Pretending we can do something helps our brains form the new pathways required to actually do it.
Example: I used to be a terrible networker. To overcome this, I asked myself, “What would I do right now if I were a great networker?” then I pretended that I was one. That got me out the door and talking to folks at networking events. Within weeks, I was no longer pretending — networking started to come naturally to me.
- Focus on where you want to be a year from now. It’s more useful — and more enjoyable — to look forward after an unwanted life change than it is to look back. Obsessing over backward-looking questions, such as, Why did this happen to me? and What went wrong?, rarely helps us rebound.
Instead, view the current state of affairs not as a setback, but as a starting point. When your mind drifts back to the way things once were, remind yourself, This is where I am… Now, where am I going from here?
- Celebrate small successes. Put even your tiniest accomplishments in your mental “win” column. This creates a sense that you’re racking up wins, which builds positive energy and forward momentum.
Example: If you lost your job, don’t wait until you land a new one to view yourself as a winner — that would only make you feel and act like a loser during job interviews. Set an achievable job-search goal each day, such as calling three potential employers… networking with a colleague in your field… or researching a potential employer. Then celebrate your accomplishment at the end of the day — Hooray, I made progress — and share it with others if possible.
- Consider why options might work, even if you suspect they won’t. It’s easy to fall into the trap of “yes, but” thinking after unwanted changes happen to us. When we come up with a possible solution, we immediately think of a reason why this solution will fail and conclude that it isn’t even worth trying. The problem isn’t that the idea is flawed, but that recent setbacks have put us in a negative frame of mind.
When you think of an option, force yourself also to think, If I did this, here’s how it might succeed.
- Help others with their problems. Helping puts our own problems in perspective… proves to us that we can accomplish change… and allows us to take a much-needed mental break from our own worries.
Example: A woman forced from her home by wildfires discovered that collecting blankets for other victims helped her stop worrying about her home.
- Encourage yourself as you would a child in a footrace. Tell yourself, You can do it! and You’re almost there! Do this out loud or, if you’re in public, to yourself. It may feel silly, but hearing over-the-top encouragement really does provide a confidence boost, even when it comes from your own mouth.
- Schedule a 15-minute daily “worry time.” Chronic worriers tend to obsess about their problems, forcing out more productive thoughts during the day and preventing sleep at night. These people cannot stop worrying entirely, but they can contain their worrying to a specific block of time each day.
Give yourself permission to worry during a particular 15 minutes each day, ideally at the time of day when your worries tend to be at their worst. When you catch yourself worrying at other times, remind yourself that you have a schedule, and promise yourself that you’ll get all your worrying done then. Experiment with the best time to worry. If right before bed makes it hard for you to sleep, find another time.
- Give advice to someone facing a change similar to your own, then take that advice yourself. It’s often easier to analyze someone else’s problem than it is your own. Our emotions and ego get in our way when we think about our own lives.
Example: Think about what you would tell a friend to do to get her retirement savings back on track. Then follow your own advice.
- Remind yourself of your strengths and positive qualities each time you think of your problems. Those facing unexpected problems tend to think about those problems much more than they think about the tools they have for overcoming them. Whenever your problems come to mind, mentally list your skills, your friends and any other resources to help you rebound.
