My simple secret that separates winners from losers

What’s your excuse? Many people blame bad breaks, the bad economy or bad health for holding them back from success. External challenges such as these almost always can be overcome. It’s much more likely that the real barriers standing in the way of your success are negativity and self-sabotage.

We tend to form “limiting beliefs” about what we can and cannot achieve, then assume that those beliefs are truths. In the short term, believing “I’m just not cut out for success” feels safer and easier than pushing ourselves to improve. In the long term, it’s a path to an unfulfilling life.

Here is the six-step process I have developed for overcoming self-sabotage…

Step 1. Build personal connections. Each time someone you meet feels a meaningful connection with you, your personal “support staff” grows larger. That support staff can provide assistance and a personal cheering section when limiting beliefs threaten your success. The larger your support staff, the better your odds. If you have no support staff, you will face problems alone—or, worse, have others rooting against you.

To form personal connections, give people the sense that you truly care about them. To do that…

Be open about your vulnerabilities. People are more approachable and likable when they seem fallible. Write out a list of things about you that are slightly embarrassing in a humorous way. Share one or more of these in social settings.

Example: “I’m an accountant, but I still use a calculator to figure out a tip.”

Ask other people for their opinions and offer them public praise (assuming it is sincere). Making people feel valued greatly improves the odds that they also will feel a connection with you.

Use a two-handed handshake. Cup both hands around one of theirs in a handshake…look deep into the person’s eyes…and warmly say, “It’s a pleasure to meet you.” This is much more memorable and meaningful than the standard handshake.

Step 2. Rethink your self-talk to reframe your self-image. Many people berate themselves with harsh internal criticism. It’s time to stop. Self-talk affects how we see ourselves whether we realize it or not. It also affects how others see us—people pick up on our self-image and treat us accordingly.

Instead, talk to yourself as you would want a supportive friend to talk to you. Also, search for the cause of inhibiting self-talk. Causes include…

Fear: Remind yourself that fears reflect only what could go wrong if you pursued a particular course. For a fair analysis, you also must consider what could go right…and what could go wrong if you don’t pursue this course.

Example: A man imagines failure and embarrassment when he thinks about asking a woman out on a date. He also should consider the positive feelings and consequences if the woman says yes…and the certainty that he won’t date this woman if he doesn’t ask.

Insecurities: Remind yourself that an insecurity is just a belief. Our insecurities seem real to us because our mind seeks only evidence that supports our beliefs and ignores evidence that these beliefs could be wrong. It’s up to us to seek evidence to refute insecurities.

Excuse-making: Remind yourself that your mind creates excuses not because they are legitimate, but because they make life comfortable in the short term.

Example: You don’t really “not have time to exercise.” Everyone can free up 15 or 30 minutes per day. Perhaps you don’t exercise because exercise is difficult…or because being surrounded by physically fit people in the gym makes you feel old or fat.

Step 3. Become physically confident. The way we dress and hold our bodies has a significant impact on how we think and feel. If you stand with slumped shoulders and head hung, you will think of yourself as defeated. Adopt a powerful stance, with head up, shoulders back and chest out, and you will immediately think of yourself as more successful. Also…

Review your physical position throughout the day. Are the muscles in your jaw tensed? Relaxing them will make you feel calmer. Are you frowning or slumped over? Smiling and straightening your posture will make you feel more positive.

Before a big meeting, important date or any other situation that makes you nervous, put on a favorite song, take a powerful stance in front of a full-length mirror, smile a cocksure smile and slowly nod your head yes. Watch this powerful you in the mirror for a few moments. Feel the confident energy course through your veins. Before walking away from the mirror, squeeze both of your fists tight. Squeezing your fists again later in the day when you feel nervous will act as a kinesthetic anchor—something that helps your mind and body recall the feeling of power that you felt in front of the mirror.

Step 4. Focus on what you have, what you like and what you want…not what you lack, dislike and don’t want. Our focus is like a penlight in a dark room—it illuminates only a very small portion of what surrounds us. Whatever we choose to illuminate is the direction our lives tend to head. If we focus on the negative, we will live negative lives. To overcome a negative focus…

Laugh at problems and stresses. There usually is a funny or ridiculous side to a problem…if we allow ourselves to see it.

Example: I once got stuck in an elevator because I couldn’t reach the buttons from my wheelchair. It could have been extremely frustrating, but I chose to laugh at the absurdity of my situation instead.

Avoid comparisons. When we compare our lives with those of other people, the world starts to seem unfair—but unfair compared to whom? We might have less than the rich guy down the street, but we have a lot more than the guy in the hospital burn ward. Unfortunately, most of us compare ourselves only to the lucky, successful people we know, which encourages us to see ourselves as unlucky failures. To avoid this, spend time helping the less fortunate.

Step 5. Choose your friends wisely. If we surround ourselves with negative, self-sabotaging people, we buy into their attitudes and diminish our chances of success. If we surround ourselves with friends who agree with us whenever we complain, we always will see our complaints as valid.

The best people with whom to spend time are those who encourage us to solve our problems or help us let go of negativity. If you don’t have friends like this, it’s time to find them. Look in places where upbeat, health-conscious people gather, including places of worship, adventure-oriented clubs, bookstores and gyms.

Step 6. Take full responsibility for your life. Even if your problems are not 100% your fault, they are 100% your responsibility. Self-pity is a drug. It provides a quick fix that seems to make life easier, but it leads only to more self-pity, not self-improvement.

My story

I was born with osteogenesis imperfecta, also known as brittle bone disease. As a result, I suffered more than 200 bone fractures before turning 18. I grew to only three feet tall, and I’ll spend my life in a wheelchair—but I’ve built a thriving career as a psychotherapist…I worked in the White House as a presidential liaison for the office of Cabinet affairs…and I have an active social life. My life and my therapist training have taught me that it isn’t our problems that hold us back, it’s how we handle those problems. As my mother told me years ago, pain is inevitable. Eventually, it touches us all. Suffering, however, is optional.

Related Articles