Ever go to a restaurant with someone who asked for, say, extra onions in his salad and then had a fit because he didn’t think that he received enough—embarrassing both you and the waitress in the process?
Chances are, this is the same guy who blows his top when he is forced to sit in traffic for more than 30 seconds.
And he’s the one who will reprimand you if you don’t return one of his phone calls within 24 hours.
I’m not this guy…but on occasion, even I find myself stewing about things that don’t matter. The other day, I spent a good three minutes venting to a friend about why on Earth companies continue to make ketchup packets that are impossible to open and produce so little ketchup that they’re hardly worth opening in the first place. I almost placed a call to the Heinz CEO, but my friend told me that I was being ridiculous (as she should have).
At some point in time, we all catch ourselves “sweating the small stuff,” so to speak. It isn’t fun—so why do we do it? What’s to be gained by going on and on about such insignificant matters? I called life coach Lauren Zander, a regular Daily Health News contributor, to talk about why we do this and how we can make ourselves stop.
People dwell on small stuff for lots of different reasons, Zander told me. Sometimes it’s a perfectionist inside that surfaces when the tiniest things aren’t just right. Perfectionists often strive for a sense of control over their surroundings, so any lack of control tends to rattle them and cause anxiety. And, truthfully, perfectionists do get a reward from fussing over itty-bitty things. It’s a holier-than-thou feeling that whispers to them that they are better than other people.
Others obsess over small things because they’re copying what they saw their parents do while they were growing up, Zander said. They don’t necessarily feel superior because of it—it just feels natural and normal. But it does take up their time—time that could be spent much more productively.
Some people simply suffer from entitlement—they feel more deserving than those around them, and, therefore, even a slight annoyance or inconvenience is considered a great injustice.
Zander mentioned that harping on small stuff could also be a sign of depression, anxiety or anger about something totally unrelated. For example, perhaps someone is actually upset because he’s going through a divorce or his mother is dying, but instead of talking about the “big” issue that’s bothering him, he transfers his negative feelings and complains about “small” issues instead.
Finally, some of us harp on small grievances purely to make conversation. For instance, when I complain to my friends about the media’s overuse of exclamation points and call this habit “exclamation inflation,” I’m not truly annoyed—in reality, I’m just trying to give my friends a laugh.
If your intent is simply to entertain and it happens only now and then, then these sorts of complaints aren’t so harmful to you and others. But if you tend to stress about lots of little things—to the point where your friends groan or don’t want to hang out with you because you’re a Debbie Downer—then you may need a mind-set makeover.
One problem with this bad habit is that you don’t always notice when you’re doing it. The first step is to raise your level of self-awareness, and you can do that with the help of your friends. Ask them to give you some sort of signal whenever you start latching onto something minor—maybe they can say, “John, you’re doing it again,” or give you a certain look or tap your elbow discreetly in public. The more that you recognize your behavior, the easier it will be to stop it.
Then, when you notice yourself getting annoyed over, say, how your shirt wasn’t pressed very well or how your nail polish is chipping, take a moment to put your concern into perspective. Think about how lucky you are—and about all the people in the world who are struggling to simply live another day. (Volunteering weekly or monthly may help you learn how to think less about yourself and more about others—you could try working at a senior center, animal shelter or soup kitchen.) Then rank on a scale of one to 10 where your current problem falls, with 10 being “having no food, water, shelter or safety” and one being “I lost my library card.” You might just find that your big problem isn’t so big after all.
