Just the other day, I was telling a friend about a situation that had become particularly complicated.

I wasn’t even half way through my story when she blurted out, “Well, how are you going to take care of that?”

I explained that if she would let me finish, she would find out…

It occurred to me that I have to say that to her…a lot.

My friend is an interrupter, but, interestingly, she has no idea that this is a habit of hers. That’s not unusual, according to life coach and regular Daily Health News contributor Lauren Zander.

Are you an interrupter? Zander gave me helpful tips on how to recognize whether you are—and how to change your ways so that you can communicate better (and get along better) with friends, family and colleagues…

POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE INTERRUPTIONS

Not all interruptions are bad, said Zander. For instance, if you don’t understand what someone is saying, it is helpful to cut the person off and say, “Hang on, I’m not following,” before he wastes his breath. If there’s an emergency or, say, you see that a big celebrity happens to be walking by, it’s OK to interrupt and point this out so the other person can see this, too.

But that’s not why you usually interrupt…right?

Very short interruptions don’t bother most people. For example, if you’re throwing in a quick “Right” or “I agree,” it’s almost the same as nodding your head—a way of showing that you’re paying attention.

But when you start adding more words to those phrases (such as “Right, right, right” or “Yes, the same exact thing happened to me!”) or finishing someone’s sentences, then those become bad interruptions, Zander said—and you’re being rude. Why? What you’re actually attempting to do is to speed up the other speaker and deflect attention away from that person and onto yourself.

In my personal experience, I find that women, in particular, are prone to making these sorts of interruptions—perhaps because women tend to be more empathetic than men. They may want to show that they “relate” to what’s being said by sharing an experience of their own—and that’s not a bad intention, but if they want to be appreciated, they need to wait their turn! I find that men, on the other hand, are more likely to get competitive during conversation and use interruptions to make a completely different point—and steer the conversation in an entirely new direction.

KEEPING PACE—SOCIALLY

Every person has his or her own “rhythm” when it comes to speaking—think of it like an internal metronome (the tool that clicks audibly to pace the desired beat of a song), said Zander. And whether an interruption is welcome or unwelcome depends on the relative speeds of the two people in conversation.

If you have a fast rhythm (let’s say that you’re a hyper chatterbox) and you’re in conversation with another person who moves at an equally hurried tempo, then the two of you may constantly talk over each other and—get this—be perfectly OK with that. In other words, interrupting someone may not be an etiquette “no-no,” but only if the listener doesn’t mind and does the same to you. More commonly, two people in conversation move at different paces—and this is when unwelcome interruptions are more likely to occur.

Are you an interrupter?

The best way to find out, Zander said, is simple: Ask someone you talk with a lot, such as a friend or family member. “Tell the person that you read this article and wondered whether interrupting is something that you do regularly,” she advised.

HOW TO KEEP QUIET DURING CONVERSATION

“Modifying your internal metronome and adapting yourself to another person’s pace is something that everyone should be willing to do,” Zander observed. So here are some ways that she suggested putting a lid on it…

Ask friends to police you. “Tell others that they have your permission to let you know when you are interrupting,” she said. And when they point it out, pay attention to when and why you’re interrupting. Knowing what triggers you might help you learn how to stop yourself from doing it repeatedly.

Write notes. Some people interrupt due to anxiety—when they think of something, they’re worried that if they don’t spit it out in that instant, then the thought (however brilliant) will be forgotten. So instead of blurting out a thought, jot down a quick note by using pen and paper or typing a digital note on your smartphone. But it has to be fast—just a word or two (think about how the presidential candidates did it during the debates this past fall)—because if you start writing or typing a monologue, then you risk ignoring (and insulting) the speaker.

Change your perspective. Too often in conversation, we’re not listening to the other person but really just waiting for our opening to speak. If you find that you’re constantly focusing on when the other person is going to finish a point, then you may be missing out on key parts of the conversation. Instead, listen intently to what’s being said and chime in only when there is silence. You might discover that the point you originally wanted to make has already been made—or that your opinion has changed.

Apologize. When you’re learning how to stop interrupting, you’re likely to slip up sometimes. And when you do, simply catch yourself midstream and say, “Sorry, please keep going.”

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