A stock market meltdown may have many causes, ranging from a real estate crash to soaring oil prices. But when it comes to couples, the blame often falls closer to home — on the person who makes all or most of the investment decisions.

Blaming a partner for your losses after a market collapse only serves to push away the person whose affection and support could help you get through these scary times. To stop the fights and move forward…

IF YOU DID THE INVESTING

  • Take responsibility. Apologize for the lost money… agree that this is a painful situation… ask what you can do to make your partner feel better… explain that your portfolio will rebound, given time… and stress that now, more than ever, you need your partner’s love and support.

    You might think that it’s unfair that you must apologize, since you did not act unreasonably. Unfortunately, explaining this to a non-investor overcome by fear and anger will not get you very far.

If your apology does not dissolve the anger…

  • Ask a financial planner (or a money-savvy friend or relative whom your partner trusts) to explain that you did nothing imprudent and that the losses were not your fault.
  • Engage in activities that your partner finds relaxing.

    Example: Take walks together.

  • If your partner insists that you dump your stocks, stall. Fear and impulsive actions tend to lead to mistakes. Explain that selling now would “lock in” the losses. However, dismissing your partner’s opinion outright could increase the anger, so don’t refuse to sell. Instead, suggest that you revisit the idea of abandoning stocks after you have given the markets time to recover, perhaps in about six months. Your partner’s fears may subside by then. Have the financial adviser or savvy friend confirm that this is a wise strategy.

IF YOUR PARTNER DID THE INVESTING

  • Accept a measure of responsibility for the situation anyway. While you didn’t manage the family’s money, you did make one crucial investment decision — the decision to let your partner handle this chore — so you share in the responsibility.

    Nor does the fact that you argued for a conservative investment strategy all along mitigate your responsibility. Unless you presented your partner with a detailed plan for how your family could reach its investment goals using a more conservative investment approach, your partner had little choice but to invest in stocks.

  • If you can’t shake your anger, at least direct it toward more deserving targets. Get mad at the government, Wall Street or irresponsible borrowers and lenders, but view your partner as a fellow victim.
  • View this as an opportunity for personal and relationship growth.

    Examples: Consider telling your partner that you want to learn about investing so that you can take a more active role in managing the family’s money in the future. Or say that even though you can no longer afford a luxurious retirement, you still want more time together enjoying each other’s company.

  • Have more sex with your partner, not less. Many people feel too distracted, angry or unhappy to have sex during difficult economic times. That’s foolish. Sex with your partner will make you feel better… it will make your relationship closer… and, unlike so many of life’s pleasures, it’s free.

COMPROMISE ON SPENDING

Arguing over investment losses often leads to a second round of fights over spending. Some people react to financial losses by hunkering down and spending very little… others spend more because buying makes them momentarily happy. Arguments are inevitable when partners fall into opposite camps.

Some partners will even purposely waste money to get back at their mates for perceived missteps, such as misinvesting the family’s savings. Such “revenge spenders” might not even realize what they’re doing.

Telling your overspending partner to spend less will only drive a wedge further between you. Instead, sit down and discuss your current economic situation. Draw up a budget, and open individual checking accounts to supplement your joint checking account. Divide down the middle whatever amount you can spare for discretionary purchases each month, and put this money in the individual accounts. Partners can spend this money guilt-free any way that they like, but in exchange, they must agree not to spend any more.

Large discretionary purchases are allowed only if both partners agree in advance. If your partner suggests a large purchase that seems imprudent given your current financial situation, do not get mad or label the request unreasonable. Express understanding, then search for a compromise.

Example: Your partner says that he would really like to buy tickets to the Super Bowl. Say: “I know how much the game means to you. You work hard all year, and deserve to go. It’s not fair that we can’t afford tickets.” If there’s no realistic way to fit the tickets into your budget, suggest that you throw a Super Bowl party instead, and invite your partner’s friends.

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