Tina Gilbertson, LPC
Tina Gilbertson, LPC, psychotherapist in Denver and author of Guide for Parents of Estranged Adult Children and Constructive Wallowing: How to Beat Bad Feelings by Letting Yourself Have Them. TinaGilbertson.com
Bottom Line: It's more common than you think—here’s what to do about it.
I’m embarrassed to admit that I’m jealous of my super-successful adult child. How can I keep my feelings from affecting our relationship?
Your first steps have already been taken—you’ve acknowledged this feeling and recognized that it can endanger your relationship with your child. Now you need to try to understand why it’s there and what to do about it. First of all, know that parents feeling jealous of their children’s success is not as unusual as you might think. You may be wrestling with an underlying sense of unfairness. Why should some people reach great success while others never do? If your life has felt like an uphill battle, it’s natural to feel jealous of someone to whom everything seems to come…even if that someone is your child. It’s actually quite common between fathers and sons and also between mothers and daughters. Remember that all emotions are normal—it’s who we are as humans—and jealousy about the achievements of your spouse, best friend or even your son or daughter is nothing to feel guilty about. We don’t get to decide whether or when we feel jealous! The trick, though, is to not let the jealousy dictate your actions toward your child. And ironically, the more room you give the jealousy to run around inside your heart without trying to “fix” it, the less it will influence your relationship with your child. It’s when we try to suppress feelings that they start to get out of control and affect how we behave. If you allow yourself to fully experience the jealousy in the privacy of your own heart, you might begin to notice other feelings as well. Maybe there’s some pride in there? Perhaps relief that your child is thriving in a world where so many people aren’t? But as long as you’re battling the jealousy, any positive feelings toward your child will be muted. Be careful, though—jealousy can make you say things you normally wouldn’t say. It also can cause you to keep silent when you should be offering congratulations or praise. Your child will feel you holding back if you allow jealousy to shape your behavior toward him/her. Bottom line: Don’t try to fight your jealousy. Instead, focus on understanding yourself and your emotions. So you wish your life were, or could have been, as great as your adult child’s life is shaping up to be? Well, of course you do! Feel the jealousy consciously…don’t push it away. That’s how you’ll process and resolve it—and keep your relationship with your child healthy and strong.
