Cats’ and dogs’ lifespans are relatively short, so most pet owners face the prospect of losing their beloved animals at some point. Sadly, owners whose pets have died often say their grief is devalued or ignored because many in our society regard pets as possessions whose loss you’re expected to move on from quickly. Moreover, mainstream American culture emphasizes happiness and positivity to such an extent that many of us feel completely unprepared when we or those close to us are faced with grief regardless of its cause.
But it is anything but easy, contends family therapist Ken Dolan-Del Vecchio, LMFT, a family therapist who has a specialty in pet loss. Losing an animal can trigger a unique kind of grieving that can be even more difficult than when a friend or family member passes on.
Bottom Line Personal asked Dolan-Del Vecchio how he helps his clients cope with their grieving process…how to make end-of-life decisions for a sick pet… and when to bring a new animal into your life. And he offers advice for what to say when a friend or family member loses a pet.
For many people, animal companions are their primary relationships. We love and are loved by pets differently than by the people in our life. Even the best human relationships may at times be fraught with miscommunication, disagreement and trust issues. Relationships with pets are simpler and often more intimate. We care for them like infants, structuring our days around them…and we share our most private moments with them without being judged.
A pet’s passing brings up myriad and complex emotions—intense loneliness, guilt, fear, anger, regret and confusion. And none of this occurs in a linear way. These feelings tend to come and go in unpredictable waves. We may feel fine for days and then remembering a small incident will trigger us—perhaps the way our dog greeted us with joy when we returned from getting the mail—and the loss hits like a sledgehammer. Much of this suffering takes place in isolation because we may feel embarrassed to share the depth of our pain and its messiness.
Over time, the grief does change, becoming more tolerable and emotionally manageable. But the length of the grieving process varies widely. A recent study at the School of Veterinary Medicine at University of California, Davis, found 25% of owners who lost a pet took between three and 12 months before they recovered and felt more normal…50%, more than 12 months…and another 25%, more than two years.
Here’s what you can do to cushion the grieving process…
Craft goodbye rituals that help acknowledge and make sense of this important life transition. The need to honor and express your feelings about your loss is just as important with pets. Consider: Saving memorial objects such as your pet’s toys or putting the animal’s ashes or a lock of fur or hair in a pendant… creating a legacy photo album or posting a video collage on your Facebook page…holding a funeral or memorial service. One of my clients spent memorable hours with his golden retriever hiking in the Adirondack Mountains. He placed dried leaves and sticks reminiscent of mountain trails at the base of the photograph that served as the centerpiece for the dog’s funeral.
Reach out to others who have lost pets. They can validate and empathize with your experiences. The Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement (APLB.org) lists online and in-person support groups and chat rooms nationwide and offers a state-by-state directory of counselors if you need to speak with a mental-health professional.
Many people agonize over when to euthanize a very sick and/or old pet. Unlike a dying family member, you can’t have direct conversations about death with your animal. The imposing burden of what to do and when is entirely on you.
To help you make the right choice: Consult with your veterinarian and people you trust. Ask yourself, Is my pet’s pain no longer controllable by medication?… Does the pet express any joy and interest?…Is he incontinent and unable to walk or eat?…Is he cognitively gone? The litmus test for euthanasia—if there is no hope for the animal’s return to stable health and the pet’s irreversible suffering outweighs his ability to enjoy living.
When a pet is euthanized, pet owners almost always experience some degree of guilt afterward, thinking, How could I have just killed Muffin?…Did I do it too soon and rob her of a bit more life?…or Did I wait too long and make her suffer unnecessarily because I couldn’t let go?
Reality: Illness and/or old age ended your pet’s life. What’s more, your pet did not experience your decision as a failure or betrayal. In fact, the secession of pain and confusion was a relief. Your pet trusted you to make her comfortable and cared for…and you did that no matter how hard it was.
More than 90% of pet owners have their pet’s remains cremated. Ask your veterinarian for a recommendation, since many work with regulated crematoriums. A communal cremation runs $50 to $200…a private one, $150 to $450, depending on the size of your pet. If you choose a private cremation, you can have the ashes returned to you as a keepsake. Other options…
Cemetery burial: Find a pet cemetery near you at petmemoryshop.com/pages/pet-cemetery-usa-directory or everlifememorials.com/Pet-Cemetery-Directory-s/444.htm. A pet cemetery plot can run from less than $500 to as high as $2,000.
Private-property burial: State and local laws govern whether it is legal to bury a pet on your own property. Examples: You can do so in states such as Arizona, New Mexico and Colorado if you meet burial-depth requirements and the grave is a safe distance from water bodies. More information: Emergencyvetsusa.com/pet-burial-laws.
Some pet owners get a new animal quite quickly after a loss because they can’t stand the silence in the house or miss the companionship. But a new pet is not a solution to your current grief and it won’t speed up your healing process. In fact, the presence of a newcomer may amplify the void you feel as you compare this new pet to your former pet. You may think, My old cat wasn’t a finicky eater. What’s wrong with this one?
Before you bring home a new pet: Assess your motivations honestly. Can you welcome a new animal with an open heart and without its presence constantly stirring up feelings of loss? Also, think about whether your needs have changed—perhaps you are older now and no longer want a high-energy dog who needs to be walked multiple times a day.
Even when you have good intentions, you may wind up saying the wrong thing or making insensitive comments to the owner of a deceased pet. Reason: You’re trying to apply rational thinking to a deeply emotional and personal experience. When someone is suffering, you may want to fix his/her grief and mitigate his pain. You figure a pep talk or passing along wise advice is the best way to do that. But the pet owner may perceive such efforts as being dismissive of his/her pain or even exacerbating it.
Don’t tell the owner there’s a silver lining to the pet’s death. Examples: “Your dog was really suffering. It’s a good thing he’s gone”…“He’s in a better place now” (This may not line up with the owner’s spiritual beliefs)…“At least you won’t be tied down anymore and can travel.”
Don’t ask the owner when he intends to get another pet or recommend getting another one.
Instead, do the following to help with a friend who has lost a pet…
Be a compassionate witness to the owner’s grief. Hold her hand. Shed a tear with her. Acknowledge her pain, listen to how she feels, and let her know that you care. Say, “I’m sorry you’re going through such a difficult time. I can see how painful this is for you”…“I know how much Daisy meant to you and your family and how much you miss her”…and “Would it help you if I stayed with you for a bit longer during this visit?”
Share your own memories of the deceased pet. It’s very comforting for grieving owners to know their animal has made an impact on other people’s lives as well as their own.
