It’s interesting how so many Americans find it easy to say exactly how they want things—for example, what goes in their coffee, how their steak is cooked, the precise color of their walls. But when it comes to what they want from sex…well, that’s another story.
Silence about sex doesn’t mean that people don’t have opinions and preferences. It’s just that people get too flustered to say anything. The result is that lots of couples aren’t satisfied with what does—or does not—go on in the bedroom.
To the rescue: Life coach Lauren Zander has devised an intriguing method for making it easier to broach this delicate subject. The potential payoff is an improved partnership, greater happiness—and much more mutual satisfaction in the bedroom!
Initially, Zander’s advice seems startling, to say the least. The reason? It’s a rating system.
Don’t worry, this isn’t high school. Zander’s system doesn’t involve passing judgment on kisses, criticizing timing or the like (at least not at first). The point of a rating is not to be accusatory. Instead, Zander said, the system provides a surprisingly impersonal structure for a conversation that would otherwise be uncomfortable if not impossible for many couples. You can even use this article as a way to introduce the subject to your partner—just say that you found a fun way to talk about sex that won’t be too embarrassing or hurt anyone’s feelings.
Here’s how it works: Ratings are on a scale, with one being the lowest possible score and 10 being a mind-blowing high. You will rate three aspects of your sex life, one aspect at a time. For each aspect, working separately, you and your partner should assign a numerical score and then write down a brief explanation of why you picked the score you did. After you’ve both finished writing, sit down together and read aloud what you have written, then discuss your responses.
Rate the following three aspects in this order…
First: Your ability to talk to each other about sex. Why start here? Because talking about talking about sex is less threatening than talking about having sex. You might give this aspect a score of three, for example, explaining, “It embarrasses me to tell you specifically what I might like,” or, “I feel frustrated when you go mute anytime something about sex pops into our conversation.” As you and your partner discuss your responses together, compare your scores—not in a competitive way, but just to get a clearer understanding of where each of you stands on this issue. Then average your individual scores to arrive at your current “couple’s score.” (Keep a record of all these scores—you’ll want to refer back to them later.)
Second: The frequency with which you have sex. This rating provides an objective way to look at a subjective issue. Remember, the score reflects how you feel about the frequency of your sexual activity, not the actual frequency itself. For instance, you might give this a score of two, writing, “We do it only once a week, which isn’t nearly enough,” while you partner writes, “I give this an eight, because once a week is pretty close to perfect.” Again, after reading your responses aloud to each other, discuss how you feel about what you have revealed and what you have learned…then average your individual scores to calculate your couple’s score.
Third: The quality of your sex. This aspect is rated last because it’s the most sensitive—yet by now, you and your partner should be more practiced at discussing your own feelings and hearing what the other person has to say. This can lead to some real revelations. For example, a partner who makes a point of being very gentle may be surprised (and excited) to learn that the other person would like it a little more rough-and-tumble at times. Or you may discover that you have similar sources of dissatisfaction. For instance, if you both write something along the lines of “sex has gotten too predictable” or “we mostly use the same position over and over, which gets boring,” your common complaint may inspire the two of you to strive for greater creativity, secure in the knowledge that you both want this. Again, make note of your couple’s score for this aspect.
A key component to success with Zander’s sex-life rating method is to use your ratings not as a chance to complain, but rather as a tool for talking about changes you two could make that would take your sex rating up a point or two—or even all the way to a nine or a 10. Use your imagination in suggesting ways to boost your ratings. You might suggest, “Lighting candles and giving each other a massage first would take us up at least one point,” or, “I want to go back to the times when we had sex in other places, not only in bed.” Keep an open mind about your partner’s ideas, and he or she will be more likely to reciprocate.
“The rating conversations should be fun, almost like playing a game. It allows you both to feel safe talking about your sex life,” Zander said. “Remember, though, that a successful relationship requires compromise. You both may end up with a little less than you wanted, but with a lot more than you currently have.”
Why keep track of your scores? Because as things start to improve, you’ll want to make new ratings—and it will be satisfying to see how far your scores have climbed.
