Shilpi Sheth, PsyD
Shilpi Sheth, PsyD, associate program director at Sovereign Health in San Clemente, California, is a psychiatrist specializing in individual and family therapy and crisis intervention and resolution.
Bottom Line: Here’s how to conquer birthday depression and make your day special again.
It will soon be time to mark the day you entered the world, so why do you start to feel down, stressed and anxious as your birthday approaches?
Though there aren’t any studies putting a number on how many people are affected, mental health practitioners agree that the birthday blues are real. They can turn a day that should be enjoyed into one you dread. And they can rob your friends and family of the genuine pleasure they’d feel in celebrating you. That’s a lose-lose! But once you understand what’s going on and why the birthday blues generally happen, you can turn the day into a win-win and make your birthdays actually happy again.
Your birthday is an annual milestone—a day when people tend to take stock of where they are in life. Feelings of depression can be triggered from within or from external sources, such as thinking you’ve failed to meet expectations you have for yourself or expectations of others. The root cause can be various different emotions…
People who suffer from the birthday blues typically don’t have depression year-round, said Shilpi Sheth, PsyD, of Sovereign Health in San Clemente, California. But do be aware that severe symptoms, such as a loss of appetite or bingeing on food, heavy drinking or feeling extremely fatigued could be signs of serious depression that would warrant mental health counseling.
You can—and should—celebrate yourself, Dr. Sheth said. This may run counter to your inclinations when you’re struggling with negative emotions, but taking steps to make your birthday more joyous can bring back birthdays as happy days even if it feels a little forced at first.
Need a little kick in the pants to try? If for no other reason, you approach your birthday positively, you’ll be celebrating the thanks that other people have for you being in their lives. Others have love for you, whether it’s romantic, familial or friendly—and they want to celebrate that love, Sheth explained. They’re thankful for you, which is all the evidence you need that your day can be a good one. Now, here are the concrete things you can do to banish the birthday blues…
Get busy. Staying home, especially to drink alone, will only make the birthday blues worse, Dr. Sheth said. Some people take their birthdays off from work—great if you’re planning an activity such as a spa day or a round of golf, not so great if you’re feeling down and stay glued to the sofa all day.
Honor loved ones who aren’t with you. If your feelings of depression are because of the death of someone who was dear to you, include a tribute to that person on your birthday. Light a candle, share an uplifting story with others who knew him or her, or donate to a charity in his or her name.
Yes, plan your own soirée. A fun night out with the important people in your life is practically guaranteed to lift your mood. Invite your friends to something you’ll enjoy, whether it’s dinner, karaoke or a game night.
Go with the flow. Circumstances in other people’s lives might prevent them from being with you on your birthday, or you might be the one away on a business trip, for instance, so you can’t celebrate with the people you love. Work around such obstacles by planning your birthday celebration for another time, even if it’s a few weeks later, and do something else to celebrate on the actual day. When Dr. Sheth was out of town for his birthday one year, he decided to watch a movie he had already seen with friends to bring back happy memories.
Be OK with being low-key. The era of reality TV and social media has changed expectations for many people, especially when it’s a milestone birthday. “Just” dinner and birthday cake might pale in comparison with celebrities marking their big days on stunning beaches or with your Facebook friends posting photos of their elaborate parties. That can bring on the birthday blues for some people, Dr. Sheth said. Many of us don’t have the means to throw a big bash, but that shouldn’t stop you from having a festive celebration within your budget.
Make someone else’s day brighter. Dr. Sheth has a friend who does volunteer work on her birthday. Bringing joy to others may be a feel-good way to spend the day for you, too. Consider volunteering, say, at a pet shelter, soup kitchen or for a health organization with a cause you care deeply about.
Shut down overly inquisitive family members. If you do have a birthday gathering planned by you or anyone else, it shouldn’t become a game of “20 Questions” about your career or relationship status or any topic that tends to bring on the birthday blues for you. One way to deal with this danger is to have a planned response to questions that’s diplomatic but ends the conversation so that you can move on. You might say something definitive such as, “When I’m ready to [have kids/get married/buy a house/make a career change], I’ll let you know,” and then change the subject. If you have one perennially nosy relative, you might ask someone closer to you, such as a sibling, to tell him ahead of time not to bring up the subject.
Your birthday is the one day each year when it’s easy and even expected to celebrate you. Make a promise to yourself to do it in style, whatever your style is.
