Bottom Line: The trick is to help your parents see why moving closer is best for you and them.
It’s stressful when your aging parents are far away. Maybe they’re doing just fine, but you see signs of frailty. Perhaps you’ve already made a middle-of-the-night trip for a medical emergency…and you foresee more. So you want your parent or parents to move closer.
Unfortunately, Mom or Dad is likely to disagree. Even if they are becoming more fragile, the idea of packing up is daunting, and so is leaving friends, doctors and…home. Recently widowed? Change is even harder. Here’s how to get them on board…
Talk to your parents about their future, and do it sooner rather than later. Ask them how they expect to manage when they can no longer drive or fully care for themselves. They may clam up, but continue to bring it up before a health crisis—the worst time to make decisions—forces everyone’s hand. Next, educate yourself—and enlist your siblings. There are many options—living with you…downsizing to a condo…finding a retirement or assisted-living community. Identify a few options that make sense. Then…
• Hold a family meeting. Your mom and dad need to have a say, no matter how right you think you are. Present the options…but it’s fine to nudge them toward the one that you think is best. If at all possible, make this meeting happen in person—facial expressions and body language convey as much meaning as do words. Plus, you can give hugs.
• Play up the positives. Emphasize benefits that you know your parent will appreciate, such as being closer to family, including grandkids. Mom (or Dad) hates cooking and cleaning? Mention that senior housing can include housekeeping.
• Listen to their fears. Ask them to share their biggest worries. Be sure to show respect for these worries and emphasize how you will work with them to ease the stress.
• Let ’em see your pain. Few parents want to make their kids unhappy at any age. Be honest about your stresses. “I want to be able to help you. But traveling and taking time off work are not things I can regularly handle.” You may feel quite emotional, and that’s OK…but don’t lose control!
• Have a fallback. Your parents still may say no, and that’s their right. Be prepared with another suggestion such as moving to an assisted-living facility in their current location or hiring a geriatric care manager to oversee home care. Not ideal…but likely safer than the status quo.
