Anyone who grew up with brothers and/or sisters can attest to the sometimes turbulent nature of the sibling relationship. As it happens, I’m close to my brother and sister, but as a result, people often tell me how “lucky” I am, and they generally follow with a story about their own familial difficulties. Tales may center on the annoying spoiled baby of the family… the bossy oldest one who still acts like the top dog… the middle child who snuck out of doing chores and is still seen as irresponsible. Whatever the details, it’s worth noticing how dynamics from years ago continue to intrude on present-day feelings, sometimes to the point where people just opt out of relationships with some or all of their adult brothers and sisters.
What a loss that is, says Lauren Zander, life coach and regular Daily Health Newscontributor. Zander is a staunch believer in actively healing family rifts — she says these present a profound opportunity for personal growth and a way to potentially heal other problems in your life. After all, she points out, there’s often some basis for the gripes siblings have about one another — and the complaints usually go both ways.
Zander speaks from experience on this point. Years ago, her wedding plans brought to the surface simmering childhood grievances with a sister, she told me. Her sister felt like the neglected middle child and also that Lauren, as the youngest, was acting entitled. Uncomfortable as it felt, the two chose to work through their differences, focusing on what had gone before… why they were disappointed with one another… and what they now wanted to be different. The gratifying result:Zander told me that she “started to participate in the family in a more mature way,” while her sister learned to value her own ambitions and to appreciate that she, too, has an important place in the family and the world. Opening up to one another about their feelings — and, yes, apologizing for letting one another down — bridged their differences. “We both made changes that then began to change our lives in other ways,” Zander said. Sharing their vulnerabilities helped the sisters see that they were both suffering.
Whatever it takes to sort out sibling problems, Zander is adamant that working to become closer is worth the effort. “Your siblings are some of the best loves you will ever find,” she pointed out. Don’t write off your family as being “people you did not get to pick.”… Instead, “turn that around and ask what these relationships can teach you about yourself,” she suggests.
In families with deep problems that are ignored or protected by a pact of silence, it is possible for one brave person to put healing in motion… and Zander encourages you to be that person. “My own proudest moments are the times I’ve cared enough to try to fix what’s wrong in a relationship,” she said. This takes deep listening and a commitment to doing whatever it takes to make things better.
Wondering how to make this happen? Take these steps, Zander says…
Start by approaching your sibling to discuss the discomforts and frustrations in your relationship. If there has been a rift, the place to start is with the emotions that are at its base. “Usually these are feelings on someone’s part of being rejected and unloved,” says Zander, noting that these feelings must be accepted and understood by the other before healing can begin.
To do this, invite your brother or sister to go first in the conversation about what hurts and why, with the goal of creating a list of grievances. This may feel terrible for you, Zander cautions. Just know, she said, that your very willingness to stand there and listen will serve as a striking demonstration of your love and how important the relationship is to you.
For now, your job is to hear what’s said without responding (though it is okay to ask a question or two for clarification). Then you’ll need to be able to repeat these points to your sibling, so he/she feels truly heard. “No getting mad or justifying,” cautions Zander. “You are reflecting a version of reality, and there’s no right or wrong at this point! The important healing factor is that two experiences can exist and even contradict each other — and both can be right at the same time.”
Then it’s your turn to talk. “It’s the same drill,” says Zander. “The goal is for both people to feel heard and understood and loved for their honesty — only then can resolution be achieved.”
This is not to say that all sibling relationships, even tense ones, are so fraught with negativity. Sometimes there is separateness among siblings that isn’t particularly deep or difficult, just neglectful. And when neglect sets in, guilt and excuses follow.
If that sounds like your family, Zander urges you to see these feelings and behaviors for what they are — just feeble attempts to cover up being lazy. Resolve to set the wheels of change in motion by putting yourself in charge of letting your brothers and sisters know that you care by calling twice a month. Do that for three months and see what happens. She predicts that you will be amazed at how good it feels and will find yourself well on the way to a meaningful change that brings happiness to your life and to the rest of your family as well.
