My husband’s family is huge—so it was no doubt a daunting experience for our son’s new fiancée to be introduced to some 70 relatives at a recent reunion.
I adore this smart, sweet young woman who is about to join our family, so of course I wanted to do whatever I could to make her feel welcome and at ease as she met the rest of the clan.
But not everyone is fortunate enough to like the new partner that a family member wants to bring into the fold.
For instance, you may think that your divorced dad’s new girlfriend is nasty…your sister’s fiancé is a financial disaster-in-the-making…or your grown son’s significant other is nowhere near significant or special enough to deserve him.
Yet whatever you feel toward a loved one’s new partner or potential mate—affection, dislike or indifference—how you handle yourself can have long-lasting effects on family relationships.
So I asked clinical psychologist and frequent Daily Health News contributor Judy Kuriansky, PhD, for tips on how to get off to the best possible start when a newcomer meets the family.
The clan gathering will naturally be easier if you approve of your family member’s choice of partner. But even so, Dr. Kuriansky suggests keeping the following things in mind…
Publicly express your delight in the new person’s presence. You can never really overdo a welcome when it’s genuine, so don’t suppress your enthusiasm out of shyness or fear of seeming soppy. Not sure what to say? Simple truths work well—for instance, “It’s such a pleasure to have you join us.”
Pay a specific compliment. The new person is undoubtedly anxious about being under scrutiny by the family. You can boost his or her confidence (and endear yourself) by inserting words of praise into the conversation—“You have such a good sense of humor,” or “I’m so impressed with your fluent Italian.”
Avoid teasing remarks and comparisons to previous partners. You may intend to be funny or to project an air of bon ami. But comments such as, “My sister’s past boyfriends all had nose rings and tattoos, so I’m glad she finally settled on someone clean-cut,” may be misconstrued by your relative or the new mate, leading to hurt feelings.
Make it your mission to put the new person at ease. If another family member is being inappropriate—for instance, behaving too boisterously or boorishly monopolizing the conversation—smile as you admit to the new person, “We can sometimes be a tough crowd. Please pardon our eccentricities.” Then steer the talk toward the new partner’s favorite books, hobbies or a similar topic that shows your interest in him or her.
Things are more difficult when you mistrust or don’t like a family member’s new companion. If you suspect real danger—for instance, you have well-founded reasons to believe that the new partner is involved in shady business, uses drugs or is physically or verbally abusive—for safety’s sake, take your relative aside after the gathering and speak up about your concerns.
But if the new partner simply rubs you the wrong way, put aside the personality clash and resolve to be civil and gracious. This preserves family harmony now and also protects your future relationship with your loved one. Here’s how to pull it off…
Keep negative opinions to yourself. Does the new person irk you (for instance, with sloppy eating habits) or offend you (by asking how much your house is worth)? Resist the urge to bad-mouth. Even if your loved one asks for your opinion, a negative critique may serve only to alienate, discouraging any future sharing about the relationship. There’s always something positive you can say about a new partner—“He has a confident air, ” or “It was heartwarming to see how she touched your arm so affectionately.”
Examine the underlying reasons for your dislike. Does your daughter’s new beau remind you of the ex-husband you still resent? Are you secretly envious because your brother’s new girlfriend seems more sophisticated than you think you are? Are you alarmed at the affection your mother’s new suitor shows her because it triggers (via role reversal) the same kind of protectiveness your parents felt when you were dating? If so, remind yourself not to mentally saddle the new partner with your own old baggage.
Take time to get to know the new person better. It’s understandable to feel disappointed when a loved one’s choice is not aligned with what you want…but you must accept that the choice is not yours to make. With this acceptance come patience and a more open mind. So make a point of spending time with the new person in the days to come, doing something you both enjoy, such as assembling a smaller family group to go to a sports event or the theater…or if you live far away, send this person a link to a Web site or book that you mentioned in conversation. You may be surprised down the road to find that you like the new person after all.
