When you are faced with a dilemma or a difficult decision, do you get the very best advice? Perhaps not—and that could be because you’re asking the wrong person for help.

That’s the conclusion of Hooria Jazaieri, PhD, a business professor who specializes in studying emotional aspects of the workplace. She has researched hundreds of advice seekers about their experiences regarding problems ranging from losing a job…to dealing with personal injuries and illness…to difficulties with a boss.

Here are the four steps Dr. Jazaieri says can yield better life advice…

Don’t seek advice from people who’ve been through the same problem you are dealing with. Yes, this is counterintuitive. After all, someone with similar experiences should be able to offer superior insights and wisdom. But my research indicates these advice givers are more likely to talk than to listen…and they are much quicker to jump to conclusions and offer pat solutions (“Don’t worry about it…you’ll be fine”).

Ask people who have done a good job handling serious challenges that are different than yours.  When you are faced with a dilemma, you assume you need advice on how to fix it. But what you often are seeking is emotional validation—you want to know that the other person is on your team…that it makes sense that you are feeling the way you do…and that you have the strength to resolve the dilemma yourself. People who haven’t faced a problem similar to yours tend to offer greater empathy and make more of an effort to fully understand your situation. They also can bring alternative perspectives and help you transcend your own biases in seeking a solution.

Decide what you’re primarily looking for…before you seek advice. Do you want validation? Actionable information? Or do you just want to vent? Example: Your elderly mother is having trouble taking care of herself, and you want to move her to an assisted-living home. If you are struggling with guilt and sadness about the move, ask for advice from someone who is a good validator and can provide emotional support. But if you want to know which facility in the area is best or how to sell your mother’s house to cover the costs, seek out a practical problem solver. For many dilemmas, you need both emotional support and practical guidance—that’s why it’s smart to enlist more than one individual for help…as long as you understand your own expectations.

Let advice givers know when they aren’t helping you. Most people you ask for advice are well-intentioned—but they may not understand what you need. Instead of walking away in silent frustration, push back at the advice giver, but do it graciously. Say, “I appreciate what you are saying, and I’ve already tried/considered it. Would you be willing to hear me out a bit more, so we can brainstorm other solutions?” That avoids appearing ungrateful and invites the other person to think more deeply.  

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