When a serious medical diagnosis comes into a family, children deserve to know. Silence is not golden. Discussing illness candidly and openly, in developmentally appropriate ways, teaches children that parents are trustworthy and that honesty is a family priority.
Parents diagnosed with serious health issues often put off sharing the news with their children because they think that keeping their kids in the dark will protect them. However, children will almost certainly figure out on their own that something is very wrong. In truth, this tends to increase their fear and anxiety.
When children are not told what’s happening, they are left alone with their fear and confusion. When this happens, children often imagine that things are far worse than reality or that they are somehow responsible.
Sharing news of a medical diagnosis is emotionally difficult. Despite the fact that I am a nurse, social worker and child development specialist, talking with our children was the hardest part of my cancer experience. But it needs to be done, and it can be done.
Here’s how to tackle this very difficult conversation, plus specific tips for helping children of different ages through this challenging time…
Example: “I have some important news to tell you…”
What to do: Maintain a consistent environment with predictable caregivers. Provide comfort through touch, rocking and routine.
What to do: Use simple terms to explain that you are sick, but provide more detail than you would with a toddler. These details might include the specific name of the illness and where it is in your body. Stress that the illness is not a result of anything he did, nor is it a punishment for anything he might have done wrong. Ask the child to explain back to you the important points to make sure that he understands. Continue to maintain a consistent schedule with predictable caregivers.
What to do: The advice for ages three to six still applies, but add even more specifics—kids this age derive security from concrete facts. Provide details about your illness and treatments. Carefully explain all difficult words and concepts.
Write out schedules for upcoming days and weeks so that the child knows what to expect. You even might want to ask the child if he would like to meet your doctor, assuming that is OK with the doctor.
What to do: Provide the basics about your diagnosis and treatment, then ask the teen what he already knows about your illness and what he would like to know. Don’t force the conversation if the teen resists. Let him know that you are available to talk whenever he likes, but don’t be surprised if he prefers to talk with another adult, such as a trusted coach, teacher or relative.
If your teen wants to learn more about your disease, encourage him to do the research with you. There tends to be a great deal of inaccurate information on the Internet, and even accurate information might not apply to your specific situation. It is very important that your teen has accurate information.
The news that a parent has a serious illness is likely to come as a huge emotional blow even to adult children. The adult child might want to drop everything and rush to the parent’s side—and might feel helpless or guilty if this is not feasible.
What to do: Consider waiting until you have details about your diagnosis, treatment plan and prognosis before sharing the news. That way, you can give the adult child a more complete picture of the situation, minimizing his fears as much as possible.
If an adult child who lives far away offers to drop everything to come help you, consider suggesting that he postpone such drastic action (unless your prognosis is extremely dire). Better that he save his vacation days and travel budget for times when you might need his help more, such as immediately following surgery.
If the child insists on helping, suggest specific forms of support that can be provided from afar, such as calling or Skyping you often or researching doctors or caregivers on your behalf.
