In your relationship with your romantic partner, how powerful do you feel? If the answer is “not very,” life coach Lauren Zander hopes that you will think about leaving.
Got your attention? As you’ve no doubt noticed, Zander isn’t afraid to be provocative. So although she’s not necessarily suggesting that you pack a suitcase today, she does believe in ending relationships that fall far short of what they can and ought to be. In other words, if there’s an uneven balance of power—if you and your partner aren’t taking turns “wearing the pants,” so to speak—then you should either consider moving on or commit to fixing that imbalance.
Here’s her point: Your romantic partnership should be a place in your life where you feel strong and safe in stating your wants and needs. By definition, when two people are in love, they are supposed to care about each other’s feelings. If it seems that your partner does not care about yours, you probably feel powerless…but you aren’t. Zander said, “In our love lives, we are free to stay or go. Though many people say that they are trapped—by finances, by children—the reality is that, if you aren’t taking steps to rectify the situation by shifting the power in a way that feels fairer to you, then that mediocre life is the one you are choosing. Thinking about leaving opens your eyes to the fact that you do have power and can use it to make your life better.”
Whether or not you and your partner have ever sat down to divvy up the day-to-day responsibilities of your life together, there’s probably a pattern in place for how decisions get made. If the dog gets walked, the mortgage gets paid, vacation plans get made, intimacy occurs and everyone’s happy, then great—life is good. But if responsibilities are not being met and/or if you are not happy with the status quo, then things need to change. Here’s how to get started…
Call a meeting with your partner. All relationships need maintenance, and holding regular meetings is a great way to make sure the maintenance gets done, Zander suggested. “I have never seen a relationship that wouldn’t benefit from weekly meetings, but they are especially important when something is amiss or out of balance,” she said. Weekly meetings give couples a forum for discussing all aspects of the relationship—chores, money, children, sex, leisure activities, dreams, etc.
Start a protest. You don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t care about how you feel, right? So it is reasonable to expect that your significant other wants to hear what you have to say. Those weekly meetings should make it easier for you to speak up…but if you don’t feel that your message is being heard, you need to make a fuss, Zander said. The point is to get your partner’s attention and put some consequences in place. Zander calls this “starting a protest.”
Be prepared to set up a roadblock, she added. If you feel disrespected or ignored, make it clear that you will go no further—for instance, you won’t make dinner, eat dinner together, go out to dinner or whatever—until your needs have been listened to and validated and a plan of action is established.
This doesn’t mean that you will always get your way—but you will be heard, and heard in a spirit of open-mindedness and cooperation.
That’s not asking too much, is it?
Important: If you anticipate that your protest will be met with anger, do it in the presence of a neutral third party who is qualified to mediate, such as a trusted clergy person or marriage counselor, Zander advised.
Learn this powerful truth: “Sometimes one thing can change everything.” If your partner has been happy with the old status quo, your request for change is likely to be met with resistance. So examine the patterns that characterize your interactions and try to identify specific ways in which you can disrupt the usual unproductive chain of events.
For instance, Zander said, “Suppose that the two of you are stuck in a pattern where you have a few drinks, then you have a fight, and then one of you sleeps on the couch for a night or even longer until you cool off. You might be able to change all of that if you just change one element—set a rule that you are not allowed to go to bed angry and unresolved…and that whoever stays angry or sleeps in another room loses the right to drink alcohol for a month. Implementing such a self-imposed consequence will break your negative pattern.”
Here’s another example. Suppose you’re locked in a power struggle over the issue of how to raise your children, which is a very common source of conflict. Zander suggested that you can change the whole dynamic by taking one simple step—dividing up the parenting process according to areas of expertise. “As a couple, you should decide who’s in charge of what. Maybe you take charge of school and chores, for instance, while your partner takes charge of socializing, curfew and dress code. Then you make a rule that you don’t interfere in the other parent’s area. If concerns arise, you discuss them when the children aren’t around.”
Even very simple conflicts can benefit from this “change one thing” approach. Suppose that what you want is more help with the housework or yard work. In that case, just stop doing everything yourself. Yes, the dirty dishes will pile up and yes, the lawn will turn into a jungle…but ultimately your partner will have to stop ignoring the fact that the uneven distribution of chores is a real problem.
Changing the power balance in your relationship may take some time—but don’t give up and settle for less than you deserve in this important part of your life. “Most people aim too low,” Zander said. “Aim high! Figure out what you want and then claim your power to get it. When you do, you and your partner will both benefit—because you’ll be able to create the best possible partnership.”
