What do couples argue about more than sex, household chores, time spent together and snoring? Money.
Nearly half of US adults have fights with their partners about their finances…and many others just avoid discussing finances at all. Reasons: Money is an emotionally loaded topic on which people project their own self-worth, as well as the fairness, security and power dynamics in their relationships. That’s why disagreements with your partner over even a small purchase can escalate so quickly. It feels like your well-being and happiness are threatened by the person closest to you.
Conflicts also are common because opposite money personalities attract. Tightwads tend to marry spendthrifts…aggressive investors wind up with partners who are risk-averse. Even if a couple grows wealthy together, having more zeros in their bank account doesn’t prevent the same types of fights from occurring over and over.
To help avoid arguments and feel more connected and safer with your partner, Bottom Line Personal spoke to four leading “financial therapists,” a new type of mental-health counselor who specializes in coaching couples through difficult money issues. According to the experts, it’s unlikely that you can change your partner’s deeply ingrained beliefs about money—but you can learn to navigate them better no matter how many years you’ve been fighting, and you can make financial decisions that leave you both feeling more satisfied.
Here are the panel’s techniques for dealing with recurring money conflicts such as saving versus spending…helping out an adult child…and financial infidelity.
This is by far the most common type of money fight because spending decisions occur every day. Helpful strategies…
Track your actual bills and expenses for several months. Many money fights are based on misperception. Recording numbers on a spreadsheet to get an accurate snapshot of your patterns can be an eye-opener for couples. Example: A couple constantly bickered about credit card bills. The husband complained that his wife spent all their money on cosmetics and toiletries. It turns out that both spouses actually spent about the same amounts on themselves each month. But the wife bought lots of small items each week, while the husband made only a few bigger purchases each month.
Thomas Faupl, LMFT, is a marriage and family therapist and former consumer-credit counselor who specializes in financial therapy, San Francisco. ThomasTherapy.com
Switch up your money roles for a few months. Couples often fall into routines when it comes to financial duties. One partner might handle day-to-day spending, while the other focuses on bill-paying and investing. Try stepping outside your entrenched roles, and rely on your partner to do what you usually do. It can be a bit unnerving, but it will provide greater perspective and empathy for what the other person deals with.
—Thomas Faupl
Think of your partner’s money temperament as a gift instead of a liability. Many couples worry that they are too far apart in how they behave around money to even be compatible. But these differences bring balance to your lives. Example: My husband is the spender in the relationship. He often wants to pick up the tab at restaurants when we dine out with friends. Until recently, it stressed me out. I feared if I didn’t discourage him, we’d get overwhelmed by debt. What I failed to appreciate is how caring and spontaneous he is. Our friends notice what great joy he takes in treating them well, and they often express gratitude in ways that are far more generous than what we provide. Nowadays, before we eat out with friends, I ask my husband if he is planning to pick up the dinner tab. If it’s really important to him, we make room for it in our budget or choose a less expensive restaurant.
Kathleen Burns Kingsbury is founder of KBK Wealth Connection, a wealth psychology coaching and consulting firm, Waitsfield, Vermont. She is author of Breaking Money Silence: How to Shatter Money Taboos, Talk Openly about Finances, and Live a Richer Life. KBKWealthConnection.com
Nearly 60% of parents have provided their adult children with some financial support in the prior 12 months—but that can cause strife in the parents’ relationship. Helpful strategy…
Put on your own oxygen mask first. A lot of fights about how much money a struggling child needs are driven by feeling obligated to help even if you are living on the edge financially. But couples should prioritize their own financial security, especially if they are in or near retirement.
Adam Kol, JD, is a certified mediator, tax attorney and former financial adviser in Miami. He is CEO of The Couples Financial Coach, a therapy practice that provides financial counseling for couples all over the world.
CouplesFinancialCoach.com
About 40% of married people surveyed have committed some type of financial deception. These secrets have a way of coming out in damaging ways—a couple’s loan application reveals negative information…a credit card bill arrives with surprising charges…money from a joint account goes missing. Helpful strategy if you’ve committed financial infidelity…
Acknowledge the depth of what has been compromised. Sometimes the deceptive partner apologizes and feels entitled to instant forgiveness because it took so much courage and effort to tell the truth. But even small money deceptions can erode trust. If you’ve lied to your partner, you need to explain the motives for your behavior…really understand how big a deal it is and how hurt your partner may be…and accept a plan for transparency so that you both feel safe going forward. If you were the partner who was deceived, take time to process the anger and ensure your partner has accepted accountability. Equally important is that you start the process of moving forward and letting go. Two of the most important things during that process: Be more financially literate and empowered to know your financial situation…and create a game plan to address the underlying issues that lead to the financial infidelity. Perhaps the person who committed it was afraid to ask for what he/she wanted to spend money on so he needs to develop assertiveness skills…or maybe there is a compulsive-shopping problem that he needs treatment for…or maybe he needs to work on his self-esteem so he doesn’t lie about his financial situation.
Megan McCoy, PhD, is an assistant professor in the personal financial planning program within Kansas State University, Manhattan. K-State.edu
Collect small wins. After a financial betrayal, I ask couples to set many easy-to-achieve financial goals together to rebuild rapport as a team. Examples: Write checks and pay bills together each month…go shopping for household items…check through your credit card statements for errors…put aside money each month for a vacation or big-ticket item. These achievements create confidence in one another and positive momentum.
—Thomas Faupl
Use the $100 check-in rule. If both partners have been telling white lies about spending money or feel they need more autonomy, ease the tension by allowing each of you to buy whatever you want, no questions asked, as long as the final price falls under a previously agreed-upon threshold. The amount doesn’t matter as long as you both agree it’s reasonable and you abide by making joint decisions on any purchases over that amount. This provides breathing room in your financial lives and, at the same time, allows you to still share financial goals.
—Adam Kol
Our panel of financial therapists say these strategies are useful with almost any kind of couples’ conflict over money…
Aim for the magic 5-to-1 ratio. Studies have shown stable and happy marriages require partners to have five positive interactions with each other for every one negative interaction. Apply the same ratio to money discussions by regularly affirming how your spouse handles money. Examples: Compliment your partner for finding a great bargain…or express gratitude for all the work he/she does overseeing your investment portfolio. If you talk about money only when there is a sudden crisis, you will dread those conversations because you haven’t built up much goodwill to draw on. Create little rituals to daydream about goals and celebrate victories instead of taking them for granted. Examples: I counseled a couple who purchased a very expensive bottle of wine, then put off drinking it for years until they both paid off their student loans…my husband and I occasionally buy a Powerball ticket together. We talk about what we would spend money on if we hit the jackpot.
—Megan McCoy
Have ground rules in place for money conversations. Even if you don’t agree with your partner, you need to avoid criticizing him/her and instead communicate that you are sincerely trying to see his perspective. Avoid dismissive and belittling language that bypasses accountability such as, “It’s my money, and I can do what I want,” or “It’s not that big a deal.” Stay away from extremes—two of the most dangerous words in any marital money fight are “never” and “always” (“You never save for the future”…“You always overspend”). Stick to the facts of the present problem, and make the discussion as nonjudgmental as possible.
—Kathleen Burns Kingsbury
Write it down. Whenever you meet to discuss finances, both partners should take notes. Reason: It instantly slows down the conversation so you are less likely to escalate tension. Also, putting words on paper forces you to use more thoughtful language. It’s harder to say hurtful things when you actually have to write them. At the top of your notes, decide on a specific topic you want to discuss. If you find yourself starting to jump to other topics, remind yourself to stay on track. Write down any agreements or decisions you make so you can refer to them if there are disputes later on.
—Adam Kol
Be curious about each other’s money history. When you can’t agree on a solution to a financial problem, stop talking about dollars and cents. Instead ask questions about each other’s formative experiences that affected your attitudes about money—what was the biggest lesson you took from your father regarding money?…tell me about the richest person you knew growing up, and what did you think about him/her?…what was the biggest money crisis you’ve faced in your life, and how did it affect you? Curiosity makes your partner feel respected and gives you valuable perspective about how you can adjust to meet his underlying needs.
—Megan McCoy
