My friend Brenda is a big success by just about every measure. She has a great marriage, adorable children, numerous friends, good health and a rewarding career. But sometimes she’s still haunted by the memory of having been bullied at sleepaway camp one summer.
It happened when she was 13, that awkward time in life when kids are confronting the enormous challenge of figuring out who they are. One of her bunk mates mocked her for the way she looked in her glasses, and the other kids chimed in. For the rest of the month-long camp session, Brenda was mercilessly teased by the ringleader and ostracized by the rest of her bunk mates.
She has never forgotten the sense of humiliation.
Recently Brenda stumbled upon a Facebook page for alumni of that sleep-away camp…and there was a post by her bully. Brenda’s heart started to hammer. She asked herself, Should I write to this woman and ask why she was so mean to me that summer? Would it help me feel better to finally speak up for myself…or would I just be inviting a problem back into my life?
She decided to take the risk. In a private e-mail to the bully, Brenda described the mistreatment and asked for an explanation of why she had been victimized.
The bully wrote back saying that she had little memory of having been unkind to Brenda, but she readily offered an apology for the pain she had caused. And in a revelation that Brenda found most interesting, the woman said that she herself was later bullied during high school, so she understood the lingering effects that her cruelty could have had on Brenda.
The upshot? The e-mail exchange offered a world of healing to Brenda, who felt proud of her own courage…and was finally able to fully forgive her old nemesis.
I was so intrigued by Brenda’s story that I decided to consult an expert on bullying for insights on this idea of confronting one’s childhood tormenter. So I called William E. Copeland, PhD, associate professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Duke University Medical Center and lead author of a recent study on bullying.
First, Dr. Copeland pointed out that Brenda’s experience of being beset by memories of bullying is very common. In fact, his recent study revealed that being bullied in childhood “is worse than we thought” in terms of its long-term ramifications. “The effects of childhood bullying don’t end when the child becomes an adult. Many victims continue to struggle with emotional problems,” he told me.
Dr. Copeland and colleagues followed 1,420 children, starting in 1993 when they were ages nine through 13. The children were interviewed every year until age 16. Of the original group, the researchers were able to follow 1,270 into adulthood and interview them about their mental health. Findings: Adults who had been victims of bullies as children—and those who had been bullied but also had bullied others—had the greatest likelihood of experiencing psychiatric disorders such as anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, panic disorder or agoraphobia.
Since the study was published in April 2013, Dr. Copeland has heard from many adults about their own experiences with bullies. “A lot of these folks are having trouble. And even those who are doing really well in life are likely to say, ‘I’m 40 or 50 or 60 years old and I still think every day about the time I was bullied. It still bothers me.’ Clearly, even if these formative experiences are not controlling our every step, they still have a lot to do with who we become,” he said.
I asked Dr. Copeland whether reaching out to the person who bulldozed you in your youth is a good way to put those lingering issues to rest.
His answer was cautious—because, he noted, “There is absolutely no research on this.” Though a lot of people have told him that they think about confronting their childhood bullies, it’s not necessarily a wise idea.
“If someone is having a lot of difficulty with the fact that he or she was bullied as a child and continues to have emotional issues around it, I do not think that therapists generally would recommend contacting the bully. The reason? It’s very unpredictable,” Dr. Copeland said. “Many bullied people imagine a Hollywood scenario wherein the bully humbly apologizes or withers under the adult victim’s invective against them. However, a bully bullies by gaining power over his victim—and by reestablishing contact, you may in effect restore rather than reduce his power over you.”
For instance, ask yourself how you would feel if the bully ignores you…claims to have no memory of the incidents that were so significant and painful to you…or responds with a belittling, “Yeah, so what?” You also must recognize that, while the Internet makes it fairly easy to seek out your bully, it does put you at risk for being bullied again. An e-mail or text message can be forwarded to many people…a private Facebook message can be posted on the bully’s page for all his friends to see. By reestablishing contact with your bully, you expose yourself to the possibility of public embarrassment.
Rather than fantasizing about a confrontation, Dr. Copeland suggested that an adult who still suffers the ravages of childhood bullying should work with a trained therapist to address his emotional issues. This is particularly important if there is an ongoing pattern of victimization. “In such a case, a therapist can help you break free from people who continue to victimize you and replace them with a supportive network of friends who find you interesting and likable,” he said.
If you feel that you must speak up to your bully, consider writing a letter explaining your feelings—and then either tuck it away or rip it up without sending it, Dr. Copeland suggested. That could be a useful tool for expressing yourself without opening yourself up to the potential risks of an actual confrontation.
Also consider what you know about your bully’s own experiences. Interestingly, Dr. Copeland pointed out that the world of bullying breaks into three groups—bullies…victims…and bully/victims, meaning those who bully others and also are bullied themselves. “Bullies are a relatively small group of people, whereas bully/victims are a much larger group,” he said.
If yours was a true bully—someone with no compunction about hurting others—watch out! “Children who are true bullies generally do not become great people as adults,” Dr. Copeland cautioned. “We found that these folks were not having emotional problems, but they were having behavioral problems and continuing to mistreat people.” If you confront a true bully, your odds of having a positive encounter are slim, and there’s a real risk of reigniting the bullying.
However, if you have reason to believe that your bully, like Brenda’s, was a bully/victim, there’s a better chance that you would get the kind of response that would be helpful. Brenda is glad that she reached out to her bully. She did it with gentleness and a true desire to understand a particular chapter in her life—and she was fortunate, Dr. Copeland said, that her bully responded in kind.
